A Crack in the Tower

Sometimes I wonder if the surprises will ever stop coming. I find that I probably should not have been surprised in this instance, but I have high expectations of people who know Jesus. I expect them to act in such a way that you can see Christ in them. So when my husband confronted  my mother about some things in her recent lifestyle choice she informed my husband that he was no longer allowed to interact with my siblings. I was a little on the surprised side of things.
  I now find myself in a place where I am torn.  There are multiple birthdays coming up in  my family that I have  been invited to. My husband however was not on the guest list. I do not wish to walk into a home where my husband is not welcome, both have come to the assumption that he's not welcome in the home since he was forbidden to speak to my siblings.  At the same time my siblings have had a rough year and I want to make their birthdays as normal as possible.  I understand that my first priority is to take care of my family and look after their well being. I do not wish to betray my husband by going over there as he is unwelcome.
  I feel like my emotions have been shred apart over this single topic.  I want to do what is right, but how do I know what is right?  How do I make this seemingly should be simple decision?  I miss my family. I would love to see them, but not at the cost of the well being of my family.
 I am exhausted from all of this family drama. However, I suppose things could be a lot worse. 
I miss the days as resent as this time last year when everything was simple.  At least then all was well between us and them.   This absence of mind can not last forever can it? One day everything will go back to normal? Perhaps? Obviously not mother and father back together walking  with God and  living happily ever after. That's just unrealistic. All I ask is for some sense of normalcy to develop. I do not want to live the rest of my life torn because my parents wish to have nothing to do with me, due to my difference in opinion.
  As it is my neither of my parents contact me.  I have not heard from my father since the day he left his children behind and left the state. My mother has told me that she will always be here to support me. Yet she never calls and she forbids interaction between my husband and my siblings. I do not at all see how that is supporting me. I digress.
 Normalcy would be nice. However not just any normalcy will work for me. I desire complete normalcy with  no more hitches and/or complications. I believe I have had enough of those this past year to have earned the right to no more glitches in my happily ever after!
     I am thankful for these many learning opportunities the Lord is putting in my direction. 
If it were not for these trials I am having to endure, I would never grow.  No matter how challenging or painful a situation I find myself in, I also find that there is always a factor of good.  Sometimes it is simply less obvious than others and we must look a little (or a lot) harder to find  the good in a situation. No matter what there is always something to learn.This is one of the most difficult situations I have found myself in. While it is hard and it is not what I would have wished for my family. I welcome it,  for I will come out of this a stronger woman. With strengthened faith and a better understanding of God's Love.  
                                           Thae

Ghosts in the Tower

  I miss my parents. This whole devastating mess has really been a challenge for me and my family. We have always been close and the kids and I spent a lot of time out at their house. But that was before.
   I miss my mother, our talks, shopping, lunches, trips for coffee or just lounging around the house not doing anything, but not doing anything together. Which is much more enjoyable than not doing anything alone. I always went to my mother for advice or encouragement. Isn't that what a mother is for? That never changed after I grew up, got married and had kids. There were even times my mother rocked me in her lap to comfort me well after I got married and left the house. Odd I know, but not one of us ever claimed to be normal.  Now it is really hard to be around her. She is hurt and she had let her anger encompass her. Then her anger became bitterness.  In her mind if you did not support her you did not love her. She felt like everyone judged and condemned her even to the point of her mind twisting the words of what anyone said to her in love. Including the words of the people she respected and trusted. She has surrounded herself with people who are hurt and bitter as she is. 
  I miss my father a lot too. Unfortunately my father has not felt like my father in many years.  I remember as a little girl I looked up to my father a lot. What girl doesn't? We did things together and enjoyed each others company. We shared many common interests. Which is why I think I got along better with him than my other siblings. They always seemed to struggle to find a common bond.
  It was hard to watch him after he got sick  a few years ago. We were not here as we had moved to another state. He had been sick about a year before we came back to visit. There was concern that he wouldn't make it another year. The doctors could not find anything wrong with him, but he continued to get worse. His pain was so great that the doctors put him on an alternation of morphine and opium.  It did not take long before he was addicted to these highly potent and addicting drugs. He was either on crutches or in a wheelchair, depending on how strong he felt, or wanted to appear. 
  It wasn't long after this that we came home to visit.
His behavior had changed, and I think that it was during this time that my father stopped being the father I had always known. I still adored my father. But he was not the same. He was a ghost in more ways than one. Because of his pain and drug addictions he was a skeleton.  His skin had become somewhat transparent, he had lost so much weight and he was moody. I honestly think it was the moods that made it the hardest. He always seemed like he was angry, slamming cupboards or doors as he walked through them. Hitting things snapping at everyone. No one could do anything right for him and my father made some of the most hurtful comments during that time. Luckily over time and as he got stronger physically that got better...a little anyway.
 My life feels so empty sometimes without my Mother and Father here sharing life events. I am sure I sound like I am mourning the loss of my parents. In a way I am.
 They walk around as ghosts (or perhaps shadows would be a more appropriate term) of who they once were. They are here in life but not nearly as vibrant and solid as they should be. They seem transparent, opaque. They look like the parents I once knew, they speak like the parents I once knew. But they are not the parents I once knew. Yes they are older, but also emptier. In the past 8 months since my parents went their own way they have changed so much.  Their decisions have had consequences and those consequences are taking their toll.
  My memories are like ghosts of the past, taunting me. Reminding me that things will never be even remotely close to how they were. Sometimes I wish I could have them removed.  We will never have a family camping trip again, never have our traditional "It's a Wonderful Life" movie party at their house a couple weeks before Christmas. Never have the whole family over Christmas eve for pizza and movies again. No more summer cookouts with my fathers charcoal like hamburgers.Even if we did any of that it would never be the same.  All of our traditions that involve them simply cease to exist.  I believe that God can restore my parents. Perhaps they will not be restored to each other  but they will be restored to God. I am standing firmly on that. Once they are restored to God I believe they will be restored to me. I await anxiously for that time.

                                                  Thae

Invaders in the Tower

  My father replacement has contacted me and wishes to have interaction.  I am sure it sounds like I despise this man but he is not too bad.  My complaints really do not go beyond the fact that he moved into my family and took on the role of "father replacement" a month or less after my actual father left.  He has twice tried to intercede on my mother's behalf and attempt to convince me not to be harsh on my mother as it is not her fault, or whatever reason he gives.  And he has no evident relationship with Christ.  Which I suppose all in all it is a pretty big problem I have.  It is sad because under different circumstances I might be able to see him as a not as invasive role in my life.
  The problem is not that I do not wish to see my mother in another relationship with anyone who is not my own father. I am not so disillusioned that I can not see the truth. I am not at all dwelling in some fairytale alternate dimension where my parents will reunite and live happily ever after.  Regardless of the accusations that have been thrown my way by various family members.
  I had a full expectation when my family shattered into bazillions of pieces that my parents would one day find other loves and remarry.  I never thought however that they would be so selfish that they would attach themselves to the first opposite sex member of their own species that came along. Then proceed to move in with them. They go so far as to not understand why I have no desire to incorporate myself and my family into their sinful lifestyles. Nor do they seem to comprehend why I refuse to accept my replacement parentals as such.
  One of my brothers says he does not care as long as our mother is happy.  I find myself divided. One part of me wishes I could agree and not care as long as my mother is happy. The other part of myself sees the reality of the situation. My brother has always favored my mother, perhaps it is a natural part of him to favor his mother more than his father. Or perhaps it is a result of our fathers harsh understanding of love that pushed my brother to that feeling of favoritism of mother over father. Whichever the case may be the part of me that sees the reality of the situation at hand holds the title over the part of me that wishes my mother's happiness.
    I find it to be disappointing.  Is it wrong to have higher expectations of my parents who raised me? Alas, these are not the people I once knew as mother and father. They seem to have had their brains sucked out and replaced with oozy green muck that allows them to walk a life of sin without caring whom the hurt along their way.
  Perhaps I exaggerate, but surely this is how I feel.
  I can only pray that one day all four of them will see the err of their ways, repent, have that oozy green muck replaced with new minds and walk a different path. Until that day I can not accept them as replacement parentals or turn to my parents for guidance and prayer.   

  I love the encouragement I glean from the Book of Psalm I find it soothing to my heart and soul and I read it and feel the Lord speaking directly into me.
   The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.  The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
 Psalm 28: 7,8

 There is a song I remember singing as a child and any time I read or hear this verse i think of this song. Unfortunately I tried to find a video or mp3 of this song but was unsuccessful in my attempt. So here is the scripture:


He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, [He is] my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Psalm 91:1,2


I remember it always made me want to move. I could never stand still for that song and even still i don't want to stand still when I sing it. All the  music i found was too slow and the words weren't quite right. Be blessed and thank you for taking the time to read.


                                                Thae 

Locked in the Tower

  While in reality I have the ability to come and go as I please, I feel very trapped within my own life.  I have three beautiful children, and I would not trade them for anything.  When  it comes right down to it they are not the ones causing me to feel trapped. I am not stuck in the house because I do not want to drag three children around by myself.
  It has been a great challenge to process what has happened/ is happening to my family.  The reason for that is most likely because it is much simpler for me to just not think about the things that hurt me. So I hide. I isolate myself from the world. That way no one can ask me "how are you doing?". That simple question alone raises a whole torrent of emotions from deep within me that I had hidden away and as far as I was concerned no longer existed. No one can remind me that I can not fix everything.  No one can tell me that  everything will be OK in the end.  None of that is comforting.  It does not make me feel any better at all.
   My parents expect me to just accept their decisions. They have no real care as to whether or not I approve or disapprove.  It is not even the divorce that I am having a hard time dealing with.  My problem comes from what happened within a month of my father leaving my mother.
  My father left because he had been reunited with "the love of his youth" (*gag*) through facebook. Of course that opened a door that never should have been open. The past should remain in the past. Particularly when  you are married and have moved on from the past.  He lied to us for the first couple of months. He fed us tales of how he was not going to move away, he did not leave my mother because of this woman and he wanted to work things out with my mother. We all knew that he was telling lies, but I wanted to believe him so bad that I gave him the benefit of the doubt and chose to believe that he was telling the truth, my great mistake. He told me stories about how my mother had treated him throughout their almost  thirty years of marriage. Whether or not it was truth? The world may never know.
  My mother has always been one to like to be in control. She has her idea of how she wants things to be and well that is just the end of any conversation otherwise.  Whether she realizes it or not she has a tendency to be manipulative and deceptive to get her way and what she wants. Then if her ploys do not work  she will give a stare that would paralyze Satan himself. She says constantly that she will never be her mother.  However in reality she is very much like her mother in so many ways. My poor siblings do not have a chance to develop their own opinions, and if they do they cannot freely share them. They would do anything not to hurt mother because as far as they know my father was the only one who did anything wrong. Both of my parents were at fault in the failing of their marriage regardless of whether or not they choose acknowledge their own  fault. My mother has come up with details of my father's behavior in their marriage that I had never witnessed or she never told me in her ranting telephone calls.
   My parents gave up.  They made the decision that after a few months shy of their thirtieth anniversary, that they were weary of trying and they did not wish to fight for their marriage anymore. They have found other people that they wish to spend the rest of their lives with.  My father up and moved away abandoning his children who are teenage and younger and desperately need the attention of their real father, not the replacement. Unfortunately neither of my parents care enough to sacrifice their own worldly desires for the needs of their children.  My father did not even make sacrifice of time so that he could say goodbye to my children and I before he moved out of state. He called me at the very last minute and when I told him that it was my children's last day of school and we were busy until late that afternoon, he said "goodbye, I guess I will just see you when I visit in a couple of months.".  I know that it is unlikely that he will actually take the time to come visit. 
     A few weeks ago a friend of mine told me that "It's OK to hurt because we were never meant to deal with divorce.".  It's true.  Marriage was created by God to be a lifetime commitment. Our minds and hearts were never meant to try and cope with divorce.
  No matter how hard I try to lay all of the pain I have collected over the past eight months down at the feet of my Jesus I can not seem to be able to simply let go of it all. It appears so overwhelming no matter which direction I try to look at it. I feel that I have to be strong so that my own children will not question whether or not their mommy and daddy love each other. I am afraid to show emotion in front of them in fear that they will question why I am crying. So I bottle down my emotions and intend to deal with them later but sometimes later does not come and I am trapped with my emotions stuck inside, unable to deal with them appropriately not wanting to be around anyone in fear of my emotions exploding at an inopportune time or location. Thus I am left feeling Locked in a Tower...

                                                                          Thae

The First Entry.

 The first entry has always been something I dreaded with any other blog I have begun. For no other reason than I never quite knew how to begin. With this blog however my great debate is not how I will begin, but what will I write to describe the beginning.  Please forgive any rambling or dreary feel this post may have. I wish to start from the general beginning.

  I grew up in a household which was founded on the Word of God and Salvation through Jesus Christ.  My parents raised me on a strong foundation. They taught me what I needed to know to stand firm in my faith, what a marriage should be. My mother taught me all I needed to know to be a successful wife and a good mother.

  That said. I must add that I failed horribly. After a few years of marriage to my husband I found myself in a great depression and doing things I would have never thought I would do.  Marriage wasn't as easy as i had expected it to be. My husband had issues I was unprepared to deal with. I had picked up smoking after having quit for about 5 years, I started drinking, my vocabulary inherited words that would make  sailors blush in shame and worst of all I began having affairs and left my husband and children. It amazes me what can go wrong if you walk away from The Lord.

  I am thankful to say that my God is a God of second chances and restoration. Through a very trying series of events, I found where I had taken my life had become very clear and I was ashamed.  My husband took me back. I am very thankful for who my husband is.  If it had not been for him standing in faith on the promises that God gave him while I was away we would not be here today. Stronger than before. Faithful to one another and to God.

 I remember watching my parents when I was growing up and thinking "Wow, they really love each other. I want to have this someday."  I remember watching my friends one by one as they went through the drama of their parent's divorces, and being thankful that my parents loved each other and were still together. Imagine my surprise the day I found out that my parents were going to divorce each other.                                                                                                                                      The other day we were driving through the city where I grew up. It was one of the most challenging moments I believe that I have experienced so far. We drove by places where we had many happy memories growing up, and it broke me up that my siblings and my children and I will never experience anything remotely close to that with my parents again.

  I would say that my heart was broken, but unfortunately my heart has yet to heal. After only a couple months my parents had replaced each other with new "loves". They both say they are right with God, but I don't see evidence of that in their lives as they are both living with their new significant others. They accuse me of being blinded by my hurt. However both of them are doing everything they had taught me not to do.

  I find myself questioning everything I was taught. I find myself having to sift through and pray over every standard that was set by my parents, every example of what a marriage should be that I had seen, every piece of advice that I had been given and all that I had observed.
 I desire greatly to  do better for my own children. I  feel that  it is wrong to say "I will never be like my parents." because any time I have said "I will never...." I am doomed to whatever that "never" was. All that I can do is admit my lack of perfection and ask the Lord to show me how to avoid these circumstances and keep my eyes open. I strongly believe that as long as I  fill my self up with God's word, I keep myself open to what the Lord says and not blow off the correction and input that those close or who are in leadership over me have to give there is no way I can fail.
    I am currently in a place where if I stop fighting for my sanity I start slipping into an abyss of depression. Having already been there, it is not my desire to return.  I lean on my Jesus and my husband for support. Relying on someone else for support is new to me. I believe that is one of the places where I failed before. In and of myself I can not handle any of this alone. It is only through God's grace, mercy and love that I am here now, that I am not failing and through Him I have the strength and courage to continue fighting.

Thae