Bolstering The Tower

  Today has played out interestingly. This morning was going well the kids were playing nicely together, I was tired but getting things accomplished. And then the phone rang. Ominous right? Yeah. It was my dad. I let it go to voicemail but he had apparently knocked on the door and I had not heard him and he wanted to let me know that he left a bag of gifts for the kids. I called him back and told him we were home. So he came back. Yeah not the smartest move on my part. I found myself weak knowing my dad was close and I suddenly missed him so much.
 He spent about an hour talking to me and playing with the kids. It was nice. We didn't talk about my mother or my mommy replacement. He asked about my husband and my kids and myself. I was overwhelmed, it was so hard not to burst into tears every 5 seconds. My children were overjoyed to see him. They had missed him so much as well. Although I dread to see the outcome of my decision to let my dad into my house. I have no clue how this is going to impact my children or myself for that matter.
  My husband is displeased. I am displeased with myself. I know my husband doesn't want there to be contact with my family while they are not walking with God. When it comes right down to it I completely agree. This week has been so wretched I could not say no to seeing my father. It hurt to think about it, knowing he was so close. I try so hard to submit to my husband, knowing I failed in this area hurts a lot.  In addition to allowing my dad into my house I lied to my husband about how he came to be there. I immediately told my husband the truth. Unfortunately the damage was done.
  After my dad left I put the baby down for her nap, put a movie on for the older kids and went and took a hot shower, then a nice smelling bath. I was trying so hard to calm down. I could not stop sobbing after I had talked to my husband. . I am calm now, but it took a while to get there.  My husband had to talk me down, remind me that he loved me and forgave me. It was challenging for him I am sure.
 If no other good thing came out of the encounter with my dad than this one thing I can deal with it. Spending the time with my dad reminded me that even though I was hurt and angry with his actions I still love him. In this moment I feel as though I have honestly forgiven him for leaving my mother for another woman, and for leaving me behind. I am not saying I approve or accept him leaving or his woman as OK or right, because I don't. However at this moment I feel no hatred or bitterness residing within me toward my dad. I love him and I will pray that he is restored in full. I will also pray that this feeling I have toward my dad in this moment does not go away.
  All in all I feel as though something has changed for me today. I am thankful for that. While I know that the road that lies ahead is long, bumpy, curvy and filled with obstacles I feel that as long as I have my Jesus my husband and my kids by my side I can reach the end and the prize. I must remember to be patient. I must remember to stand by my husband and support him regardless how much it hurts in the moment and I MUST remember that the world is not against me the devil is. I have people who love me, including my parents.

 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.  Phl 4:13

The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him.   Exd 15:2

 You armed me with strength for battle; you made my adversaries bow at my feet.  You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, and I destroyed my foes.  Psa 18:39 - 40

 Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.  The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever.  Psa 28:6-9

                                                        Thae

Storming the Castle

It is so hard right now not to feel like the world is against me.  My parents personalities have disappeared. No one in my family is talking to me. Now rumors are being spread around the church  about me. I am having such a hard time trying to keep a positive attitude.
 My heart is broken,  and I feel as though I have been stabbed in the back by someone who I have tried so hard to consider a friend. But that in and of it's self has been a disaster. She has lied to me, manipulated me and lied about me to other people. I try and forgive her. Over and over and over. But it seems like a pointless and never ending occurrence. It does not feel like she is going to change.  I try and release all this pain that has built up from her and then more builds up. It's not like I can just pretend she does not exist because she is someone I see regularly.  I can not just ignore her or be deliberately mean to her because that is not who I am.
  I do not see how people who behave like her can sit there and say "I have a relationship with Christ." or "Yes, I am a Christian."  I have personally seen very little in her life that says to me that she is a believer. I have seen even less in her husband's life that would indicate that he has a relationship with Christ. How can you live with yourself? 
  If I make one single comment that is rude or nasty I end up being wracked with guilt until I apologize and am forgiven.
 Now I am allowing this individual, this person who is in the grand scheme of things no one of influence to me, to have control over my feelings! Well, that ends now.  I am taking that back. I will not care what she thinks of me. I will not care what her husband thinks of me. Who are they to judge me with the wooden planks protruding from their own eye? I know I have my planks. We all do.  This verse is one of my greatest convictions lately.

Matthew 7:3-5
 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

However I am not going to sit here and allow their judgement and assumptions of a petty situation get me down.  My pastor's wife told me this past Sunday as I was trying not to sob into her arms, that I am a daughter of this (my church) church body. She reminded me that God loves me. She reminded me that she loved me. (she's known me for 20 some odd years) then she hugged me again.
  I am not going to allow myself to be taken in. I am a Beloved daughter of Christ. I have a husband who loves me, cherishes me and supports me. I have 3 beautiful children with him and I don't need anything else.
 This woman has made it clear that she is not honestly my friend. If she were then she would have respected me enough to discuss it with me before she took it to leadership. I will forgive her but at this point in time there will be no fellowship in friendship.
 
                                      Thae

discovery

  I came to the realization over this past weekend that I am still angry and unforgiving towards my parents. My heart is broken there is no candy coating that one.  Some days I feel like it is easier to go on than other days. Granted for me there is no choice. I have small children and a husband to love and take care of.  Unfortunately there is no "good time" for me to deal with my very invasive emotions. I find that most days there isn't an hour that I do not want to cry over what has happened to my family.  I can not let my self break down in front of my kids. Not because I am ashamed or because I don't want them to see me cry. They have seen me cry many times. But when it comes to my parents, my children are already distressed. I do not wish to make them hurt more.  The sad thing is, that I have this problem. I bottle my emotions up.  Always with the intention of releasing them after the kids go to bed but it never happens that way. I tend to forget. Then they are left only to build up and eventually explode.
  I am weary. I am tired of having to deal with the consequences of their actions within my family. Although I suppose some consequences from my own actions a few years back contribute also. I am tired of my kids asking why my mother and father do not love each other anymore. Sometimes I think that it might be easier to move away and not have to deal with any of them again. Realistically though that really is not an option. I honestly believe that god is going to restore my family. Not that my mother and father are going to get back together but my relationship with them will be restored.  The message that seems to be going around is patience and forgive. I do not like being patient and I hurt so much that forgiveness does not seem like a valid option. However I am aware that there really is no other option. I need to forgive my parents. Not just once, but continually. Every single day.  Forgiveness will bring peace and comfort through Jesus. I believe that whole heartedly.


                                          Thae

Rage

  I am not generally one prone to raging. However, when the thought of my father and his having relocated himself across the country rage is definitely pretty close to what I am feeling at this moment.  Sometimes I feel like I have my emotions under some sense of control.  When it comes to what my family has gone through this year. Most of the time I feel contentment again. Then I feel like my heart is broken and I am enraged all over again.  Particularly after I spent an hour or so comforting my 8 year old daughter after she burst into heart wrenching tears late last night because she missed her grandfather.  If this is how his granddaughter feels, I can not imagine what my siblings are feeling. Oh wait, I can because I feel it too. 
   The fact that my father is supposed to be coming into town sometime this week doesn't help my feelings any.  I have been going back and forth about whether or not I was going to see him while he is here.  I love my father very much. But the deception and abandoning his family thing hurts too much. Then there is the question as to how it would effect my kids to see him. They are already randomly bursting into tears because they miss him. How much worse would it be if they saw him and then he left again? The thought of it just makes me cry. Darn you emotions for allowing me to feel.
  It is possible that I will not have to worry about seeing him as he has yet to tell me himself that he will be in town. It is likely he will not want to see me at all. Which will hurt but will make things easier in the long run. I do not wish to push my feelings down and bottle them up as I am so often prone to doing. I prefer to avoid confrontation where I can, I prefer to avoid my children getting hurt, and I prefer to avoid myself getting hurt. It is impossible to avoid everything all the time. That would be unrealistic to think that I could avoid all of the above. I would like to protect my children as I can.
  I guess I will have to take things as they come. Ultimately that is what I have been doing from the beginning. For me there is no making a plan and sticking to that plan. I am too emotional. The plan never remains the plan. The plan is ever changing. So am I and what I am feeling.  I do not hate my life in any way shape or form. I do hate this situation with an ever growing passionate rage. 
  I will not allow myself to say I hate my father. I do not. I love him very much. I do however hate the decisions he has made. I hate the situation he has put us through. I hate that he has been deceptive. I have managed to refrain from allowing bitterness and anger grow in my heart,  if I were to say that I hate my father that would plant a seed. That seed would grow and entangle my heart in thorns of bitterness and resentment. My heart would be hardened and all that I have fought against allowing into my heart will overrun it and control it.  Then, I would be no better off than either of my parents.

                                                         Thae
   

False Peace?

  There's an old saying " Silence is Golden." I think about it and I find myself wondering who came up with it and what exactly does it  mean? Perhaps it is dependent on a situation. I am not really sure. However  I find myself unsure as to whether or not I should allow myself to be at peace, or if I should stay on my guard. 
  We have heard nothing from my mother or father in days. Is it horrible that I find myself thankful for the lack of communication?  My mother has written  blog posts that have been seemingly directed towards us, there is no doubt in my mind that she had us in her mind while she was writing them. It is how my  mother works. 
  "Maybe if I write this 'someone' will read it, feel bad and  get over themselves." 
Unfortunately I know this because I struggle with being like that myself. In a lot of ways emotionally my mother and I have a lot of similar tendencies. It is frightening at times but I am confident that the Lord will deliver me from those tendencies.
  I refuse to acknowledge her blog posts. I refuse to give her ammunition or even feed her need for whatever it is she is craving emotionally at the moment.  Perhaps I am wrong, But for now I find myself wanting to enjoy the Silence while it is here. Inevitably the silence will go away and more conflict will come. It saddens me that my relationship with my parents has come to this. I never would have thought that My parents would do such a thing or behave in such a way. Perhaps from the beginning that was my downfall? I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I need to stand firm in what the Lord says. 
   
                                                           Thae

Contentment In the Tower

   This week has not been the easiest week I have ever lived through. Neither has it been the hardest. This week I have found myself in a place where I am somewhat content. Despite the epic battle we have been waging with pink eye and with my emotions. I will not let my emotions rule me. It is important to release.  But showing emotion and being a blob whose emotions rule your daily life are two quite different things.  I find myself feeling like I am bobbing back and forth between finding peace and dwelling within all that is opposite of peace. It can change daily or even multiple times within a single day. Those are the days I do not enjoy so much.
   I know that people deal with things that are significantly more challenging to deal with than my current situation. Thinking about it that way I feel like a very whiny person. Sometimes I do not feel like I have a right to complain or feel overwhelmed with my life. At the same time to bottle up the emotions and never express how I feel would cause devastation around me. There would come a time where i would eventually explode from the pressure. Nobody wants that.
  For the moment I am going to bask in the pleasure of having a week that wasn't overly trying.  I am going to enjoy feeling good about myself and a sense of confidence that I have not felt in some time!
            
                                                              Thae

Weakness

 Perhaps I made a mistake by taking the time to look at my parent's and replacement mommy's facebook pages.  I found myself feeling a rush of negative emotion over the statuses of love and lovers and family and how happy they are. It makes me wish to empty the contents of my lunch onto my living room floor. I find it utterly disgusting. Just think, that feeling is only over statuses on facebook. You do not want to know what watching them kiss and touchy feely with their new loves makes me feel.
  I suppose I understand the "why" factor to some extents. They were not happy with each other, that much is clearly obvious.  I guess I don't understand how they can so easily walk away from God and live with their replacements for each other in a sinful manner.  Even at the sacrifice of the relationship with their children? 
  I just wish I could grasp the concept. Perhaps the understanding is still inside me somewhere residual of when I was living in sin... but if it is it must be buried deeeeeeep down inside.
  Sorry I am having a particularly hard moment and I do not feel as though I am dealing with it very well. I still do not understand why at age nearly 30 this entire ordeal effects me as it does. I feel week and like a five year old.

Thae

Temporary Peace in the Tower

 It seems that it has been fairly quiet on the family front as of late. Perhaps it is because my mother is incapable of picking up the phone and calling, and the fact that I have neglected to keep up with my email may contribute also.  Regardless it has been a nice weekend.  
  We spent Friday  night and early Saturday morning ( 1-2 am) with friends enjoying amazing food and fellowship. I even tried crab meat!  I didn't like it but I tried it which is the point. The kids got to play with other kids and fun was had by all.
    Saturday was enjoyed through laziness. We laid around all day, refusing to actually change out of pajamas and we watched cartoons and movies all day long. It is this type of day I cherish my family the most. Spending time with just us. Not going anywhere or doing anything too strenuous.  Unfortunately the baby's pink eye seemed to have returned. We put more drops in her eyes and by Sunday  morning it seemed to have cleared up.  I did take the time to order myself a new sewing machine. I am very excited about it and can not wait until it arrives. I have a couple of projects I am very eager to finish.
  Our Fourth of July started out with the baby and I getting to stay home and catch up on some very much needed sleep after a night of being awake with her. She seems to be teething again and she does not want to sleep.  Since she had experienced return of the pink eye I did not wish to expose her to the nursery. After my Hubby and older kids got home from church we ate some lunch and played video games until it was time to meet our friends for more food and fellowship and fireworks.  I was a bit disappointed that I was unable to get any firework pictures this year. The place we watched fireworks from was too crowded and I was unable to get a good shot.
    My father sent me an email last week. He is booking a flight for later this month. I find myself quite torn. On the one hand I would like to see my father, on the other hand not so much.  At this point I find myself quite content to isolate myself from my family. There is so much drama and I am expected to just be OK with it.  My parents don't want me to object. I can not talk to them about it. They have said as much.  My father even went so far as to tell us, my husband and I, that if either of us brought up the topic again  he would disown me.  We are allowed to interact with my mother and siblings as long as we do not talk about the divorce, the details of the divorce or how we feel about the divorce or daddy replacement.
  Way to go. What happened to that unconditional love? 
 I truly believe that The Lord has told me that my relationship with my mother and father will be restored to me, but he also said that it is going to get worse before it gets better. I have a long, hard road ahead of me.  Until we reach the end of that road I will find my peace in The Lord and in my family. I am blessed and I can not ask for more.
                                                        
                                 Thae

Alarms, Replacements and Huh?

  I wish I knew how to begin this post.  This outing to my sisters birthday, which was supposed to be less than a 10 minute visit turned into an hour and a half  event that was beyond draining.  I was thankful  to find a couple friends  there, it helped some to keep my sanity.  I found it hard to deal with that everything is so different.  Family events just aren't the same. They do not even feel like family events. How can it when my father is not even there? He was a key part to the "family".  Now it is like he never existed. We even have a replacement daddy to be there in my father's place.  I do not understand how things can change so quickly and be "ok". Not that I would actually call it ok, but that is  how everyone else seems to percieve it.  It makes me question everything I believe.
   There was one point today when I knew that I had nothing to question.  I had been outside talking to my husband on the phone and daddy replacement came out to "check something" but I knew as soon as I saw him come out the door that he was going to corner me into conversation. I finished talking to my husband and started for the door when daddy replacement put himself between the door and I. He said he wanted to talk to me about something. He burst into tears and asked if he was the reason we (my husband and I) did not want to come over any more.
 In that moment I felt a whole torrent of emotions.  Ranging from anger to compassion.  On the one hand I felt bad for him I can imagine that it would be hard to take on the role of replacement daddy, wanting to be accepted and knowing that the woman's oldest daughter did not approve in anyway shape or form  of the relationship between her mother and himself. On the other hand I felt enraged that he would be so concieted to think that it was all about him. Also because he felt it his place to try to talk to me for my mom. 
  Although there were a few things I learned about daddy replacement while I was in conversation with him.   After he cried I told him that he was
       "not the problem. The problem is that neither of my parents are repentant about the divorce and neither of them have taken the time to heal before jumping into another relationship.
(He asked me who should be the one to determine when and how one is properly healed from said situation. I honestly  responded by saying
   "I don't know.  I do know that neither of them are repentant about it having happend.  I understand that thirty years is a very long time to deal with the problems my parent's dealt with.  I also know that my mother is not innocent in the marriage going wrong. (Daddy replacement seems to be under the illusion that mother did nothing wrong.)  It takes two people to begin a marriage. It also takes two people to end a marriage. Instead of fighting for this commitment they had made to eachother they both gave up. They quit trying just because it was hard.  My mother put the blame on my father. My father admitted to what mom accused him of and said he never really loved my mom. There is nothing right about that. My parent's divorce went against everything that I was raised by my parents to believe and I can not accept that." 
    He said that what happend between my parents was between my parents it is not anyone else's business. What happend was not my business.
  I said " I very much disagree. My parent's are now walking in sin and it is the responsibility of believers around them  to confront them about their sin. Not tolerate it"
  It was at this moment that one of my siblings decided to interrupt the conversation and I told him I needed to leave anyway. Before I left he hugged me (which he had done before, a side hug, but this time it felt different) the whole interaction left me feeling alarmed. I do not yet know what exactly I picked up ( or maybe I do...) but I do know that this man is not one who has a relationship with Christ.  I also know that I need to be praying harder for God to intervene somehow.
  There was more to the conversation but I do not remember exactly what was said or how I responded. I am concerned for my parents I am concerned for my siblings.   Changes need to happen... Guess I better get started on that praying thing.
 
                                                          Thae