discovery

  I came to the realization over this past weekend that I am still angry and unforgiving towards my parents. My heart is broken there is no candy coating that one.  Some days I feel like it is easier to go on than other days. Granted for me there is no choice. I have small children and a husband to love and take care of.  Unfortunately there is no "good time" for me to deal with my very invasive emotions. I find that most days there isn't an hour that I do not want to cry over what has happened to my family.  I can not let my self break down in front of my kids. Not because I am ashamed or because I don't want them to see me cry. They have seen me cry many times. But when it comes to my parents, my children are already distressed. I do not wish to make them hurt more.  The sad thing is, that I have this problem. I bottle my emotions up.  Always with the intention of releasing them after the kids go to bed but it never happens that way. I tend to forget. Then they are left only to build up and eventually explode.
  I am weary. I am tired of having to deal with the consequences of their actions within my family. Although I suppose some consequences from my own actions a few years back contribute also. I am tired of my kids asking why my mother and father do not love each other anymore. Sometimes I think that it might be easier to move away and not have to deal with any of them again. Realistically though that really is not an option. I honestly believe that god is going to restore my family. Not that my mother and father are going to get back together but my relationship with them will be restored.  The message that seems to be going around is patience and forgive. I do not like being patient and I hurt so much that forgiveness does not seem like a valid option. However I am aware that there really is no other option. I need to forgive my parents. Not just once, but continually. Every single day.  Forgiveness will bring peace and comfort through Jesus. I believe that whole heartedly.


                                          Thae