For the most part things have changed a lot for the good. However this week has been abnormally rough. It feels like anything that CAN come against me has and I feel broken. I don't want to feel broken. I've felt like that for far too long.
I talked to my brother for the first time today in months. He attacked me, asking why I hated my mom. Why I wouldn't let her be a part of my family. Sometimes it feels like no one understands righteousness anymore. I mean seriously The Bible is pretty clear about what is right and what is wrong. I am weary and seek peace.
Nearing 30 I find myself experiencing life to an extent I never thought possible. Over the past 5 years my life has been turned upside down and vigorously shaken. I wish to share my life not to moan and groan about things gone wrong but to show others in hard times that all is not lost and you are not alone.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Secluded In the Tower.
Sseclusion to some people may be something not to look forward to. For myself, in this moment is heaven. I should probably point out that it is not seclusion from the world so much as it is seclusion from my family. It is a sad world I live in when being secluded from my family is a good thing. You have to understand that this is a whole new sense of freedom for me!
My dad came back for a second visit on Friday because he wanted to bring me a gift. My husband was waiting for him by the door. After the fall out with our children the night before and the devastation involved in that we decided it would not be best idea to make them go through it all over again. The conversation that I overheard was devastating.
My husband informed my father that until he was walking a repentant life before God, he would not be able to spend time with myself and our children. My dad proceeded to tell my husband that he was a hypocrite and he was just like his father (My husband it neither of these things). Dad told my husband that he (my hubby) had been trying to break up the family from the beginning.
I had the joy of informing my mother that until She was walking a repentant life before God that she would be unable to spend time with myself or my children. She proceeded to tell me that we were walking on thin ice with God and that I needed to rethink my marriage with my husband because he was verbally,emotionally and spiritually abusive.
SERIOUSLY!?!??!? Yeah, my parents have done nothing but try and poison my relationship with my husband since they split and we refused to take sides or support their decisions. They spew nastiness from their mouths about each other. They tried to convince us that with the exception of the pastor and his wife the church leadership did not hear from God and were acting in a manner that was ungodly. This is a church they were once a part of not that long ago. But the pastor and his wife could not hear from God for her.
So yes. I am thankful and content in this seclusion. I Do pray that God will restore the relationships with my parents. However until they are changed in mind and spirit I don't wish to be a part of their deception and manipulation or control in any way shape or form. There is nothing that I can do for them. They have nothing that will benefit me. I will pray for them never ceasing. I miss my mom and I miss my dad but I don't miss how they treat me or my husband.
Thae
My dad came back for a second visit on Friday because he wanted to bring me a gift. My husband was waiting for him by the door. After the fall out with our children the night before and the devastation involved in that we decided it would not be best idea to make them go through it all over again. The conversation that I overheard was devastating.
My husband informed my father that until he was walking a repentant life before God, he would not be able to spend time with myself and our children. My dad proceeded to tell my husband that he was a hypocrite and he was just like his father (My husband it neither of these things). Dad told my husband that he (my hubby) had been trying to break up the family from the beginning.
I had the joy of informing my mother that until She was walking a repentant life before God that she would be unable to spend time with myself or my children. She proceeded to tell me that we were walking on thin ice with God and that I needed to rethink my marriage with my husband because he was verbally,emotionally and spiritually abusive.
SERIOUSLY!?!??!? Yeah, my parents have done nothing but try and poison my relationship with my husband since they split and we refused to take sides or support their decisions. They spew nastiness from their mouths about each other. They tried to convince us that with the exception of the pastor and his wife the church leadership did not hear from God and were acting in a manner that was ungodly. This is a church they were once a part of not that long ago. But the pastor and his wife could not hear from God for her.
So yes. I am thankful and content in this seclusion. I Do pray that God will restore the relationships with my parents. However until they are changed in mind and spirit I don't wish to be a part of their deception and manipulation or control in any way shape or form. There is nothing that I can do for them. They have nothing that will benefit me. I will pray for them never ceasing. I miss my mom and I miss my dad but I don't miss how they treat me or my husband.
Thae
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Bolstering The Tower
Today has played out interestingly. This morning was going well the kids were playing nicely together, I was tired but getting things accomplished. And then the phone rang. Ominous right? Yeah. It was my dad. I let it go to voicemail but he had apparently knocked on the door and I had not heard him and he wanted to let me know that he left a bag of gifts for the kids. I called him back and told him we were home. So he came back. Yeah not the smartest move on my part. I found myself weak knowing my dad was close and I suddenly missed him so much.
He spent about an hour talking to me and playing with the kids. It was nice. We didn't talk about my mother or my mommy replacement. He asked about my husband and my kids and myself. I was overwhelmed, it was so hard not to burst into tears every 5 seconds. My children were overjoyed to see him. They had missed him so much as well. Although I dread to see the outcome of my decision to let my dad into my house. I have no clue how this is going to impact my children or myself for that matter.
My husband is displeased. I am displeased with myself. I know my husband doesn't want there to be contact with my family while they are not walking with God. When it comes right down to it I completely agree. This week has been so wretched I could not say no to seeing my father. It hurt to think about it, knowing he was so close. I try so hard to submit to my husband, knowing I failed in this area hurts a lot. In addition to allowing my dad into my house I lied to my husband about how he came to be there. I immediately told my husband the truth. Unfortunately the damage was done.
After my dad left I put the baby down for her nap, put a movie on for the older kids and went and took a hot shower, then a nice smelling bath. I was trying so hard to calm down. I could not stop sobbing after I had talked to my husband. . I am calm now, but it took a while to get there. My husband had to talk me down, remind me that he loved me and forgave me. It was challenging for him I am sure.
If no other good thing came out of the encounter with my dad than this one thing I can deal with it. Spending the time with my dad reminded me that even though I was hurt and angry with his actions I still love him. In this moment I feel as though I have honestly forgiven him for leaving my mother for another woman, and for leaving me behind. I am not saying I approve or accept him leaving or his woman as OK or right, because I don't. However at this moment I feel no hatred or bitterness residing within me toward my dad. I love him and I will pray that he is restored in full. I will also pray that this feeling I have toward my dad in this moment does not go away.
All in all I feel as though something has changed for me today. I am thankful for that. While I know that the road that lies ahead is long, bumpy, curvy and filled with obstacles I feel that as long as I have my Jesus my husband and my kids by my side I can reach the end and the prize. I must remember to be patient. I must remember to stand by my husband and support him regardless how much it hurts in the moment and I MUST remember that the world is not against me the devil is. I have people who love me, including my parents.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Phl 4:13
The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him. Exd 15:2
You armed me with strength for battle; you made my adversaries bow at my feet. You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, and I destroyed my foes. Psa 18:39 - 40
Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever. Psa 28:6-9
Thae
He spent about an hour talking to me and playing with the kids. It was nice. We didn't talk about my mother or my mommy replacement. He asked about my husband and my kids and myself. I was overwhelmed, it was so hard not to burst into tears every 5 seconds. My children were overjoyed to see him. They had missed him so much as well. Although I dread to see the outcome of my decision to let my dad into my house. I have no clue how this is going to impact my children or myself for that matter.
My husband is displeased. I am displeased with myself. I know my husband doesn't want there to be contact with my family while they are not walking with God. When it comes right down to it I completely agree. This week has been so wretched I could not say no to seeing my father. It hurt to think about it, knowing he was so close. I try so hard to submit to my husband, knowing I failed in this area hurts a lot. In addition to allowing my dad into my house I lied to my husband about how he came to be there. I immediately told my husband the truth. Unfortunately the damage was done.
After my dad left I put the baby down for her nap, put a movie on for the older kids and went and took a hot shower, then a nice smelling bath. I was trying so hard to calm down. I could not stop sobbing after I had talked to my husband. . I am calm now, but it took a while to get there. My husband had to talk me down, remind me that he loved me and forgave me. It was challenging for him I am sure.
If no other good thing came out of the encounter with my dad than this one thing I can deal with it. Spending the time with my dad reminded me that even though I was hurt and angry with his actions I still love him. In this moment I feel as though I have honestly forgiven him for leaving my mother for another woman, and for leaving me behind. I am not saying I approve or accept him leaving or his woman as OK or right, because I don't. However at this moment I feel no hatred or bitterness residing within me toward my dad. I love him and I will pray that he is restored in full. I will also pray that this feeling I have toward my dad in this moment does not go away.
All in all I feel as though something has changed for me today. I am thankful for that. While I know that the road that lies ahead is long, bumpy, curvy and filled with obstacles I feel that as long as I have my Jesus my husband and my kids by my side I can reach the end and the prize. I must remember to be patient. I must remember to stand by my husband and support him regardless how much it hurts in the moment and I MUST remember that the world is not against me the devil is. I have people who love me, including my parents.
I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Phl 4:13
The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him. Exd 15:2
You armed me with strength for battle; you made my adversaries bow at my feet. You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, and I destroyed my foes. Psa 18:39 - 40
Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever. Psa 28:6-9
Thae
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Storming the Castle
It is so hard right now not to feel like the world is against me. My parents personalities have disappeared. No one in my family is talking to me. Now rumors are being spread around the church about me. I am having such a hard time trying to keep a positive attitude.
My heart is broken, and I feel as though I have been stabbed in the back by someone who I have tried so hard to consider a friend. But that in and of it's self has been a disaster. She has lied to me, manipulated me and lied about me to other people. I try and forgive her. Over and over and over. But it seems like a pointless and never ending occurrence. It does not feel like she is going to change. I try and release all this pain that has built up from her and then more builds up. It's not like I can just pretend she does not exist because she is someone I see regularly. I can not just ignore her or be deliberately mean to her because that is not who I am.
I do not see how people who behave like her can sit there and say "I have a relationship with Christ." or "Yes, I am a Christian." I have personally seen very little in her life that says to me that she is a believer. I have seen even less in her husband's life that would indicate that he has a relationship with Christ. How can you live with yourself?
If I make one single comment that is rude or nasty I end up being wracked with guilt until I apologize and am forgiven.
Now I am allowing this individual, this person who is in the grand scheme of things no one of influence to me, to have control over my feelings! Well, that ends now. I am taking that back. I will not care what she thinks of me. I will not care what her husband thinks of me. Who are they to judge me with the wooden planks protruding from their own eye? I know I have my planks. We all do. This verse is one of my greatest convictions lately.
Matthew 7:3-5
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
However I am not going to sit here and allow their judgement and assumptions of a petty situation get me down. My pastor's wife told me this past Sunday as I was trying not to sob into her arms, that I am a daughter of this (my church) church body. She reminded me that God loves me. She reminded me that she loved me. (she's known me for 20 some odd years) then she hugged me again.
I am not going to allow myself to be taken in. I am a Beloved daughter of Christ. I have a husband who loves me, cherishes me and supports me. I have 3 beautiful children with him and I don't need anything else.
This woman has made it clear that she is not honestly my friend. If she were then she would have respected me enough to discuss it with me before she took it to leadership. I will forgive her but at this point in time there will be no fellowship in friendship.
Thae
My heart is broken, and I feel as though I have been stabbed in the back by someone who I have tried so hard to consider a friend. But that in and of it's self has been a disaster. She has lied to me, manipulated me and lied about me to other people. I try and forgive her. Over and over and over. But it seems like a pointless and never ending occurrence. It does not feel like she is going to change. I try and release all this pain that has built up from her and then more builds up. It's not like I can just pretend she does not exist because she is someone I see regularly. I can not just ignore her or be deliberately mean to her because that is not who I am.
I do not see how people who behave like her can sit there and say "I have a relationship with Christ." or "Yes, I am a Christian." I have personally seen very little in her life that says to me that she is a believer. I have seen even less in her husband's life that would indicate that he has a relationship with Christ. How can you live with yourself?
If I make one single comment that is rude or nasty I end up being wracked with guilt until I apologize and am forgiven.
Now I am allowing this individual, this person who is in the grand scheme of things no one of influence to me, to have control over my feelings! Well, that ends now. I am taking that back. I will not care what she thinks of me. I will not care what her husband thinks of me. Who are they to judge me with the wooden planks protruding from their own eye? I know I have my planks. We all do. This verse is one of my greatest convictions lately.
Matthew 7:3-5
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
However I am not going to sit here and allow their judgement and assumptions of a petty situation get me down. My pastor's wife told me this past Sunday as I was trying not to sob into her arms, that I am a daughter of this (my church) church body. She reminded me that God loves me. She reminded me that she loved me. (she's known me for 20 some odd years) then she hugged me again.
I am not going to allow myself to be taken in. I am a Beloved daughter of Christ. I have a husband who loves me, cherishes me and supports me. I have 3 beautiful children with him and I don't need anything else.
This woman has made it clear that she is not honestly my friend. If she were then she would have respected me enough to discuss it with me before she took it to leadership. I will forgive her but at this point in time there will be no fellowship in friendship.
Thae
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
discovery
I came to the realization over this past weekend that I am still angry and unforgiving towards my parents. My heart is broken there is no candy coating that one. Some days I feel like it is easier to go on than other days. Granted for me there is no choice. I have small children and a husband to love and take care of. Unfortunately there is no "good time" for me to deal with my very invasive emotions. I find that most days there isn't an hour that I do not want to cry over what has happened to my family. I can not let my self break down in front of my kids. Not because I am ashamed or because I don't want them to see me cry. They have seen me cry many times. But when it comes to my parents, my children are already distressed. I do not wish to make them hurt more. The sad thing is, that I have this problem. I bottle my emotions up. Always with the intention of releasing them after the kids go to bed but it never happens that way. I tend to forget. Then they are left only to build up and eventually explode.
I am weary. I am tired of having to deal with the consequences of their actions within my family. Although I suppose some consequences from my own actions a few years back contribute also. I am tired of my kids asking why my mother and father do not love each other anymore. Sometimes I think that it might be easier to move away and not have to deal with any of them again. Realistically though that really is not an option. I honestly believe that god is going to restore my family. Not that my mother and father are going to get back together but my relationship with them will be restored. The message that seems to be going around is patience and forgive. I do not like being patient and I hurt so much that forgiveness does not seem like a valid option. However I am aware that there really is no other option. I need to forgive my parents. Not just once, but continually. Every single day. Forgiveness will bring peace and comfort through Jesus. I believe that whole heartedly.
Thae
I am weary. I am tired of having to deal with the consequences of their actions within my family. Although I suppose some consequences from my own actions a few years back contribute also. I am tired of my kids asking why my mother and father do not love each other anymore. Sometimes I think that it might be easier to move away and not have to deal with any of them again. Realistically though that really is not an option. I honestly believe that god is going to restore my family. Not that my mother and father are going to get back together but my relationship with them will be restored. The message that seems to be going around is patience and forgive. I do not like being patient and I hurt so much that forgiveness does not seem like a valid option. However I am aware that there really is no other option. I need to forgive my parents. Not just once, but continually. Every single day. Forgiveness will bring peace and comfort through Jesus. I believe that whole heartedly.
Thae
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Rage
I am not generally one prone to raging. However, when the thought of my father and his having relocated himself across the country rage is definitely pretty close to what I am feeling at this moment. Sometimes I feel like I have my emotions under some sense of control. When it comes to what my family has gone through this year. Most of the time I feel contentment again. Then I feel like my heart is broken and I am enraged all over again. Particularly after I spent an hour or so comforting my 8 year old daughter after she burst into heart wrenching tears late last night because she missed her grandfather. If this is how his granddaughter feels, I can not imagine what my siblings are feeling. Oh wait, I can because I feel it too.
The fact that my father is supposed to be coming into town sometime this week doesn't help my feelings any. I have been going back and forth about whether or not I was going to see him while he is here. I love my father very much. But the deception and abandoning his family thing hurts too much. Then there is the question as to how it would effect my kids to see him. They are already randomly bursting into tears because they miss him. How much worse would it be if they saw him and then he left again? The thought of it just makes me cry. Darn you emotions for allowing me to feel.
It is possible that I will not have to worry about seeing him as he has yet to tell me himself that he will be in town. It is likely he will not want to see me at all. Which will hurt but will make things easier in the long run. I do not wish to push my feelings down and bottle them up as I am so often prone to doing. I prefer to avoid confrontation where I can, I prefer to avoid my children getting hurt, and I prefer to avoid myself getting hurt. It is impossible to avoid everything all the time. That would be unrealistic to think that I could avoid all of the above. I would like to protect my children as I can.
I guess I will have to take things as they come. Ultimately that is what I have been doing from the beginning. For me there is no making a plan and sticking to that plan. I am too emotional. The plan never remains the plan. The plan is ever changing. So am I and what I am feeling. I do not hate my life in any way shape or form. I do hate this situation with an ever growing passionate rage.
I will not allow myself to say I hate my father. I do not. I love him very much. I do however hate the decisions he has made. I hate the situation he has put us through. I hate that he has been deceptive. I have managed to refrain from allowing bitterness and anger grow in my heart, if I were to say that I hate my father that would plant a seed. That seed would grow and entangle my heart in thorns of bitterness and resentment. My heart would be hardened and all that I have fought against allowing into my heart will overrun it and control it. Then, I would be no better off than either of my parents.
Thae
The fact that my father is supposed to be coming into town sometime this week doesn't help my feelings any. I have been going back and forth about whether or not I was going to see him while he is here. I love my father very much. But the deception and abandoning his family thing hurts too much. Then there is the question as to how it would effect my kids to see him. They are already randomly bursting into tears because they miss him. How much worse would it be if they saw him and then he left again? The thought of it just makes me cry. Darn you emotions for allowing me to feel.
It is possible that I will not have to worry about seeing him as he has yet to tell me himself that he will be in town. It is likely he will not want to see me at all. Which will hurt but will make things easier in the long run. I do not wish to push my feelings down and bottle them up as I am so often prone to doing. I prefer to avoid confrontation where I can, I prefer to avoid my children getting hurt, and I prefer to avoid myself getting hurt. It is impossible to avoid everything all the time. That would be unrealistic to think that I could avoid all of the above. I would like to protect my children as I can.
I guess I will have to take things as they come. Ultimately that is what I have been doing from the beginning. For me there is no making a plan and sticking to that plan. I am too emotional. The plan never remains the plan. The plan is ever changing. So am I and what I am feeling. I do not hate my life in any way shape or form. I do hate this situation with an ever growing passionate rage.
I will not allow myself to say I hate my father. I do not. I love him very much. I do however hate the decisions he has made. I hate the situation he has put us through. I hate that he has been deceptive. I have managed to refrain from allowing bitterness and anger grow in my heart, if I were to say that I hate my father that would plant a seed. That seed would grow and entangle my heart in thorns of bitterness and resentment. My heart would be hardened and all that I have fought against allowing into my heart will overrun it and control it. Then, I would be no better off than either of my parents.
Thae
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
False Peace?
There's an old saying " Silence is Golden." I think about it and I find myself wondering who came up with it and what exactly does it mean? Perhaps it is dependent on a situation. I am not really sure. However I find myself unsure as to whether or not I should allow myself to be at peace, or if I should stay on my guard.
We have heard nothing from my mother or father in days. Is it horrible that I find myself thankful for the lack of communication? My mother has written blog posts that have been seemingly directed towards us, there is no doubt in my mind that she had us in her mind while she was writing them. It is how my mother works.
"Maybe if I write this 'someone' will read it, feel bad and get over themselves."
Unfortunately I know this because I struggle with being like that myself. In a lot of ways emotionally my mother and I have a lot of similar tendencies. It is frightening at times but I am confident that the Lord will deliver me from those tendencies.
I refuse to acknowledge her blog posts. I refuse to give her ammunition or even feed her need for whatever it is she is craving emotionally at the moment. Perhaps I am wrong, But for now I find myself wanting to enjoy the Silence while it is here. Inevitably the silence will go away and more conflict will come. It saddens me that my relationship with my parents has come to this. I never would have thought that My parents would do such a thing or behave in such a way. Perhaps from the beginning that was my downfall? I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I need to stand firm in what the Lord says.
Thae
We have heard nothing from my mother or father in days. Is it horrible that I find myself thankful for the lack of communication? My mother has written blog posts that have been seemingly directed towards us, there is no doubt in my mind that she had us in her mind while she was writing them. It is how my mother works.
"Maybe if I write this 'someone' will read it, feel bad and get over themselves."
Unfortunately I know this because I struggle with being like that myself. In a lot of ways emotionally my mother and I have a lot of similar tendencies. It is frightening at times but I am confident that the Lord will deliver me from those tendencies.
I refuse to acknowledge her blog posts. I refuse to give her ammunition or even feed her need for whatever it is she is craving emotionally at the moment. Perhaps I am wrong, But for now I find myself wanting to enjoy the Silence while it is here. Inevitably the silence will go away and more conflict will come. It saddens me that my relationship with my parents has come to this. I never would have thought that My parents would do such a thing or behave in such a way. Perhaps from the beginning that was my downfall? I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I need to stand firm in what the Lord says.
Thae
Friday, July 9, 2010
Contentment In the Tower
This week has not been the easiest week I have ever lived through. Neither has it been the hardest. This week I have found myself in a place where I am somewhat content. Despite the epic battle we have been waging with pink eye and with my emotions. I will not let my emotions rule me. It is important to release. But showing emotion and being a blob whose emotions rule your daily life are two quite different things. I find myself feeling like I am bobbing back and forth between finding peace and dwelling within all that is opposite of peace. It can change daily or even multiple times within a single day. Those are the days I do not enjoy so much.
I know that people deal with things that are significantly more challenging to deal with than my current situation. Thinking about it that way I feel like a very whiny person. Sometimes I do not feel like I have a right to complain or feel overwhelmed with my life. At the same time to bottle up the emotions and never express how I feel would cause devastation around me. There would come a time where i would eventually explode from the pressure. Nobody wants that.
For the moment I am going to bask in the pleasure of having a week that wasn't overly trying. I am going to enjoy feeling good about myself and a sense of confidence that I have not felt in some time!
Thae
I know that people deal with things that are significantly more challenging to deal with than my current situation. Thinking about it that way I feel like a very whiny person. Sometimes I do not feel like I have a right to complain or feel overwhelmed with my life. At the same time to bottle up the emotions and never express how I feel would cause devastation around me. There would come a time where i would eventually explode from the pressure. Nobody wants that.
For the moment I am going to bask in the pleasure of having a week that wasn't overly trying. I am going to enjoy feeling good about myself and a sense of confidence that I have not felt in some time!
Thae
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Weakness
Perhaps I made a mistake by taking the time to look at my parent's and replacement mommy's facebook pages. I found myself feeling a rush of negative emotion over the statuses of love and lovers and family and how happy they are. It makes me wish to empty the contents of my lunch onto my living room floor. I find it utterly disgusting. Just think, that feeling is only over statuses on facebook. You do not want to know what watching them kiss and touchy feely with their new loves makes me feel.
I suppose I understand the "why" factor to some extents. They were not happy with each other, that much is clearly obvious. I guess I don't understand how they can so easily walk away from God and live with their replacements for each other in a sinful manner. Even at the sacrifice of the relationship with their children?
I just wish I could grasp the concept. Perhaps the understanding is still inside me somewhere residual of when I was living in sin... but if it is it must be buried deeeeeeep down inside.
Sorry I am having a particularly hard moment and I do not feel as though I am dealing with it very well. I still do not understand why at age nearly 30 this entire ordeal effects me as it does. I feel week and like a five year old.
Thae
I suppose I understand the "why" factor to some extents. They were not happy with each other, that much is clearly obvious. I guess I don't understand how they can so easily walk away from God and live with their replacements for each other in a sinful manner. Even at the sacrifice of the relationship with their children?
I just wish I could grasp the concept. Perhaps the understanding is still inside me somewhere residual of when I was living in sin... but if it is it must be buried deeeeeeep down inside.
Sorry I am having a particularly hard moment and I do not feel as though I am dealing with it very well. I still do not understand why at age nearly 30 this entire ordeal effects me as it does. I feel week and like a five year old.
Thae
Temporary Peace in the Tower
It seems that it has been fairly quiet on the family front as of late. Perhaps it is because my mother is incapable of picking up the phone and calling, and the fact that I have neglected to keep up with my email may contribute also. Regardless it has been a nice weekend.
We spent Friday night and early Saturday morning ( 1-2 am) with friends enjoying amazing food and fellowship. I even tried crab meat! I didn't like it but I tried it which is the point. The kids got to play with other kids and fun was had by all.
Saturday was enjoyed through laziness. We laid around all day, refusing to actually change out of pajamas and we watched cartoons and movies all day long. It is this type of day I cherish my family the most. Spending time with just us. Not going anywhere or doing anything too strenuous. Unfortunately the baby's pink eye seemed to have returned. We put more drops in her eyes and by Sunday morning it seemed to have cleared up. I did take the time to order myself a new sewing machine. I am very excited about it and can not wait until it arrives. I have a couple of projects I am very eager to finish.
Our Fourth of July started out with the baby and I getting to stay home and catch up on some very much needed sleep after a night of being awake with her. She seems to be teething again and she does not want to sleep. Since she had experienced return of the pink eye I did not wish to expose her to the nursery. After my Hubby and older kids got home from church we ate some lunch and played video games until it was time to meet our friends for more food and fellowship and fireworks. I was a bit disappointed that I was unable to get any firework pictures this year. The place we watched fireworks from was too crowded and I was unable to get a good shot.
My father sent me an email last week. He is booking a flight for later this month. I find myself quite torn. On the one hand I would like to see my father, on the other hand not so much. At this point I find myself quite content to isolate myself from my family. There is so much drama and I am expected to just be OK with it. My parents don't want me to object. I can not talk to them about it. They have said as much. My father even went so far as to tell us, my husband and I, that if either of us brought up the topic again he would disown me. We are allowed to interact with my mother and siblings as long as we do not talk about the divorce, the details of the divorce or how we feel about the divorce or daddy replacement.
Way to go. What happened to that unconditional love?
I truly believe that The Lord has told me that my relationship with my mother and father will be restored to me, but he also said that it is going to get worse before it gets better. I have a long, hard road ahead of me. Until we reach the end of that road I will find my peace in The Lord and in my family. I am blessed and I can not ask for more.
Thae
We spent Friday night and early Saturday morning ( 1-2 am) with friends enjoying amazing food and fellowship. I even tried crab meat! I didn't like it but I tried it which is the point. The kids got to play with other kids and fun was had by all.
Saturday was enjoyed through laziness. We laid around all day, refusing to actually change out of pajamas and we watched cartoons and movies all day long. It is this type of day I cherish my family the most. Spending time with just us. Not going anywhere or doing anything too strenuous. Unfortunately the baby's pink eye seemed to have returned. We put more drops in her eyes and by Sunday morning it seemed to have cleared up. I did take the time to order myself a new sewing machine. I am very excited about it and can not wait until it arrives. I have a couple of projects I am very eager to finish.
Our Fourth of July started out with the baby and I getting to stay home and catch up on some very much needed sleep after a night of being awake with her. She seems to be teething again and she does not want to sleep. Since she had experienced return of the pink eye I did not wish to expose her to the nursery. After my Hubby and older kids got home from church we ate some lunch and played video games until it was time to meet our friends for more food and fellowship and fireworks. I was a bit disappointed that I was unable to get any firework pictures this year. The place we watched fireworks from was too crowded and I was unable to get a good shot.
My father sent me an email last week. He is booking a flight for later this month. I find myself quite torn. On the one hand I would like to see my father, on the other hand not so much. At this point I find myself quite content to isolate myself from my family. There is so much drama and I am expected to just be OK with it. My parents don't want me to object. I can not talk to them about it. They have said as much. My father even went so far as to tell us, my husband and I, that if either of us brought up the topic again he would disown me. We are allowed to interact with my mother and siblings as long as we do not talk about the divorce, the details of the divorce or how we feel about the divorce or daddy replacement.
Way to go. What happened to that unconditional love?
I truly believe that The Lord has told me that my relationship with my mother and father will be restored to me, but he also said that it is going to get worse before it gets better. I have a long, hard road ahead of me. Until we reach the end of that road I will find my peace in The Lord and in my family. I am blessed and I can not ask for more.
Thae
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Alarms, Replacements and Huh?
I wish I knew how to begin this post. This outing to my sisters birthday, which was supposed to be less than a 10 minute visit turned into an hour and a half event that was beyond draining. I was thankful to find a couple friends there, it helped some to keep my sanity. I found it hard to deal with that everything is so different. Family events just aren't the same. They do not even feel like family events. How can it when my father is not even there? He was a key part to the "family". Now it is like he never existed. We even have a replacement daddy to be there in my father's place. I do not understand how things can change so quickly and be "ok". Not that I would actually call it ok, but that is how everyone else seems to percieve it. It makes me question everything I believe.
There was one point today when I knew that I had nothing to question. I had been outside talking to my husband on the phone and daddy replacement came out to "check something" but I knew as soon as I saw him come out the door that he was going to corner me into conversation. I finished talking to my husband and started for the door when daddy replacement put himself between the door and I. He said he wanted to talk to me about something. He burst into tears and asked if he was the reason we (my husband and I) did not want to come over any more.
In that moment I felt a whole torrent of emotions. Ranging from anger to compassion. On the one hand I felt bad for him I can imagine that it would be hard to take on the role of replacement daddy, wanting to be accepted and knowing that the woman's oldest daughter did not approve in anyway shape or form of the relationship between her mother and himself. On the other hand I felt enraged that he would be so concieted to think that it was all about him. Also because he felt it his place to try to talk to me for my mom.
Although there were a few things I learned about daddy replacement while I was in conversation with him. After he cried I told him that he was
"not the problem. The problem is that neither of my parents are repentant about the divorce and neither of them have taken the time to heal before jumping into another relationship.
(He asked me who should be the one to determine when and how one is properly healed from said situation. I honestly responded by saying
"I don't know. I do know that neither of them are repentant about it having happend. I understand that thirty years is a very long time to deal with the problems my parent's dealt with. I also know that my mother is not innocent in the marriage going wrong. (Daddy replacement seems to be under the illusion that mother did nothing wrong.) It takes two people to begin a marriage. It also takes two people to end a marriage. Instead of fighting for this commitment they had made to eachother they both gave up. They quit trying just because it was hard. My mother put the blame on my father. My father admitted to what mom accused him of and said he never really loved my mom. There is nothing right about that. My parent's divorce went against everything that I was raised by my parents to believe and I can not accept that."
He said that what happend between my parents was between my parents it is not anyone else's business. What happend was not my business.
I said " I very much disagree. My parent's are now walking in sin and it is the responsibility of believers around them to confront them about their sin. Not tolerate it"
It was at this moment that one of my siblings decided to interrupt the conversation and I told him I needed to leave anyway. Before I left he hugged me (which he had done before, a side hug, but this time it felt different) the whole interaction left me feeling alarmed. I do not yet know what exactly I picked up ( or maybe I do...) but I do know that this man is not one who has a relationship with Christ. I also know that I need to be praying harder for God to intervene somehow.
There was more to the conversation but I do not remember exactly what was said or how I responded. I am concerned for my parents I am concerned for my siblings. Changes need to happen... Guess I better get started on that praying thing.
Thae
There was one point today when I knew that I had nothing to question. I had been outside talking to my husband on the phone and daddy replacement came out to "check something" but I knew as soon as I saw him come out the door that he was going to corner me into conversation. I finished talking to my husband and started for the door when daddy replacement put himself between the door and I. He said he wanted to talk to me about something. He burst into tears and asked if he was the reason we (my husband and I) did not want to come over any more.
In that moment I felt a whole torrent of emotions. Ranging from anger to compassion. On the one hand I felt bad for him I can imagine that it would be hard to take on the role of replacement daddy, wanting to be accepted and knowing that the woman's oldest daughter did not approve in anyway shape or form of the relationship between her mother and himself. On the other hand I felt enraged that he would be so concieted to think that it was all about him. Also because he felt it his place to try to talk to me for my mom.
Although there were a few things I learned about daddy replacement while I was in conversation with him. After he cried I told him that he was
"not the problem. The problem is that neither of my parents are repentant about the divorce and neither of them have taken the time to heal before jumping into another relationship.
(He asked me who should be the one to determine when and how one is properly healed from said situation. I honestly responded by saying
"I don't know. I do know that neither of them are repentant about it having happend. I understand that thirty years is a very long time to deal with the problems my parent's dealt with. I also know that my mother is not innocent in the marriage going wrong. (Daddy replacement seems to be under the illusion that mother did nothing wrong.) It takes two people to begin a marriage. It also takes two people to end a marriage. Instead of fighting for this commitment they had made to eachother they both gave up. They quit trying just because it was hard. My mother put the blame on my father. My father admitted to what mom accused him of and said he never really loved my mom. There is nothing right about that. My parent's divorce went against everything that I was raised by my parents to believe and I can not accept that."
He said that what happend between my parents was between my parents it is not anyone else's business. What happend was not my business.
I said " I very much disagree. My parent's are now walking in sin and it is the responsibility of believers around them to confront them about their sin. Not tolerate it"
It was at this moment that one of my siblings decided to interrupt the conversation and I told him I needed to leave anyway. Before I left he hugged me (which he had done before, a side hug, but this time it felt different) the whole interaction left me feeling alarmed. I do not yet know what exactly I picked up ( or maybe I do...) but I do know that this man is not one who has a relationship with Christ. I also know that I need to be praying harder for God to intervene somehow.
There was more to the conversation but I do not remember exactly what was said or how I responded. I am concerned for my parents I am concerned for my siblings. Changes need to happen... Guess I better get started on that praying thing.
Thae
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
A Crack in the Tower
Sometimes I wonder if the surprises will ever stop coming. I find that I probably should not have been surprised in this instance, but I have high expectations of people who know Jesus. I expect them to act in such a way that you can see Christ in them. So when my husband confronted my mother about some things in her recent lifestyle choice she informed my husband that he was no longer allowed to interact with my siblings. I was a little on the surprised side of things.
I now find myself in a place where I am torn. There are multiple birthdays coming up in my family that I have been invited to. My husband however was not on the guest list. I do not wish to walk into a home where my husband is not welcome, both have come to the assumption that he's not welcome in the home since he was forbidden to speak to my siblings. At the same time my siblings have had a rough year and I want to make their birthdays as normal as possible. I understand that my first priority is to take care of my family and look after their well being. I do not wish to betray my husband by going over there as he is unwelcome.
I feel like my emotions have been shred apart over this single topic. I want to do what is right, but how do I know what is right? How do I make this seemingly should be simple decision? I miss my family. I would love to see them, but not at the cost of the well being of my family.
I am exhausted from all of this family drama. However, I suppose things could be a lot worse.
I miss the days as resent as this time last year when everything was simple. At least then all was well between us and them. This absence of mind can not last forever can it? One day everything will go back to normal? Perhaps? Obviously not mother and father back together walking with God and living happily ever after. That's just unrealistic. All I ask is for some sense of normalcy to develop. I do not want to live the rest of my life torn because my parents wish to have nothing to do with me, due to my difference in opinion.
As it is my neither of my parents contact me. I have not heard from my father since the day he left his children behind and left the state. My mother has told me that she will always be here to support me. Yet she never calls and she forbids interaction between my husband and my siblings. I do not at all see how that is supporting me. I digress.
Normalcy would be nice. However not just any normalcy will work for me. I desire complete normalcy with no more hitches and/or complications. I believe I have had enough of those this past year to have earned the right to no more glitches in my happily ever after!
I am thankful for these many learning opportunities the Lord is putting in my direction.
If it were not for these trials I am having to endure, I would never grow. No matter how challenging or painful a situation I find myself in, I also find that there is always a factor of good. Sometimes it is simply less obvious than others and we must look a little (or a lot) harder to find the good in a situation. No matter what there is always something to learn.This is one of the most difficult situations I have found myself in. While it is hard and it is not what I would have wished for my family. I welcome it, for I will come out of this a stronger woman. With strengthened faith and a better understanding of God's Love.
Thae
I now find myself in a place where I am torn. There are multiple birthdays coming up in my family that I have been invited to. My husband however was not on the guest list. I do not wish to walk into a home where my husband is not welcome, both have come to the assumption that he's not welcome in the home since he was forbidden to speak to my siblings. At the same time my siblings have had a rough year and I want to make their birthdays as normal as possible. I understand that my first priority is to take care of my family and look after their well being. I do not wish to betray my husband by going over there as he is unwelcome.
I feel like my emotions have been shred apart over this single topic. I want to do what is right, but how do I know what is right? How do I make this seemingly should be simple decision? I miss my family. I would love to see them, but not at the cost of the well being of my family.
I am exhausted from all of this family drama. However, I suppose things could be a lot worse.
I miss the days as resent as this time last year when everything was simple. At least then all was well between us and them. This absence of mind can not last forever can it? One day everything will go back to normal? Perhaps? Obviously not mother and father back together walking with God and living happily ever after. That's just unrealistic. All I ask is for some sense of normalcy to develop. I do not want to live the rest of my life torn because my parents wish to have nothing to do with me, due to my difference in opinion.
As it is my neither of my parents contact me. I have not heard from my father since the day he left his children behind and left the state. My mother has told me that she will always be here to support me. Yet she never calls and she forbids interaction between my husband and my siblings. I do not at all see how that is supporting me. I digress.
Normalcy would be nice. However not just any normalcy will work for me. I desire complete normalcy with no more hitches and/or complications. I believe I have had enough of those this past year to have earned the right to no more glitches in my happily ever after!
I am thankful for these many learning opportunities the Lord is putting in my direction.
If it were not for these trials I am having to endure, I would never grow. No matter how challenging or painful a situation I find myself in, I also find that there is always a factor of good. Sometimes it is simply less obvious than others and we must look a little (or a lot) harder to find the good in a situation. No matter what there is always something to learn.This is one of the most difficult situations I have found myself in. While it is hard and it is not what I would have wished for my family. I welcome it, for I will come out of this a stronger woman. With strengthened faith and a better understanding of God's Love.
Thae
Friday, June 25, 2010
Ghosts in the Tower
I miss my parents. This whole devastating mess has really been a challenge for me and my family. We have always been close and the kids and I spent a lot of time out at their house. But that was before.
I miss my mother, our talks, shopping, lunches, trips for coffee or just lounging around the house not doing anything, but not doing anything together. Which is much more enjoyable than not doing anything alone. I always went to my mother for advice or encouragement. Isn't that what a mother is for? That never changed after I grew up, got married and had kids. There were even times my mother rocked me in her lap to comfort me well after I got married and left the house. Odd I know, but not one of us ever claimed to be normal. Now it is really hard to be around her. She is hurt and she had let her anger encompass her. Then her anger became bitterness. In her mind if you did not support her you did not love her. She felt like everyone judged and condemned her even to the point of her mind twisting the words of what anyone said to her in love. Including the words of the people she respected and trusted. She has surrounded herself with people who are hurt and bitter as she is.
I miss my father a lot too. Unfortunately my father has not felt like my father in many years. I remember as a little girl I looked up to my father a lot. What girl doesn't? We did things together and enjoyed each others company. We shared many common interests. Which is why I think I got along better with him than my other siblings. They always seemed to struggle to find a common bond.
It was hard to watch him after he got sick a few years ago. We were not here as we had moved to another state. He had been sick about a year before we came back to visit. There was concern that he wouldn't make it another year. The doctors could not find anything wrong with him, but he continued to get worse. His pain was so great that the doctors put him on an alternation of morphine and opium. It did not take long before he was addicted to these highly potent and addicting drugs. He was either on crutches or in a wheelchair, depending on how strong he felt, or wanted to appear.
It wasn't long after this that we came home to visit.
His behavior had changed, and I think that it was during this time that my father stopped being the father I had always known. I still adored my father. But he was not the same. He was a ghost in more ways than one. Because of his pain and drug addictions he was a skeleton. His skin had become somewhat transparent, he had lost so much weight and he was moody. I honestly think it was the moods that made it the hardest. He always seemed like he was angry, slamming cupboards or doors as he walked through them. Hitting things snapping at everyone. No one could do anything right for him and my father made some of the most hurtful comments during that time. Luckily over time and as he got stronger physically that got better...a little anyway.
My life feels so empty sometimes without my Mother and Father here sharing life events. I am sure I sound like I am mourning the loss of my parents. In a way I am.
They walk around as ghosts (or perhaps shadows would be a more appropriate term) of who they once were. They are here in life but not nearly as vibrant and solid as they should be. They seem transparent, opaque. They look like the parents I once knew, they speak like the parents I once knew. But they are not the parents I once knew. Yes they are older, but also emptier. In the past 8 months since my parents went their own way they have changed so much. Their decisions have had consequences and those consequences are taking their toll.
My memories are like ghosts of the past, taunting me. Reminding me that things will never be even remotely close to how they were. Sometimes I wish I could have them removed. We will never have a family camping trip again, never have our traditional "It's a Wonderful Life" movie party at their house a couple weeks before Christmas. Never have the whole family over Christmas eve for pizza and movies again. No more summer cookouts with my fathers charcoal like hamburgers.Even if we did any of that it would never be the same. All of our traditions that involve them simply cease to exist. I believe that God can restore my parents. Perhaps they will not be restored to each other but they will be restored to God. I am standing firmly on that. Once they are restored to God I believe they will be restored to me. I await anxiously for that time.
Thae
I miss my mother, our talks, shopping, lunches, trips for coffee or just lounging around the house not doing anything, but not doing anything together. Which is much more enjoyable than not doing anything alone. I always went to my mother for advice or encouragement. Isn't that what a mother is for? That never changed after I grew up, got married and had kids. There were even times my mother rocked me in her lap to comfort me well after I got married and left the house. Odd I know, but not one of us ever claimed to be normal. Now it is really hard to be around her. She is hurt and she had let her anger encompass her. Then her anger became bitterness. In her mind if you did not support her you did not love her. She felt like everyone judged and condemned her even to the point of her mind twisting the words of what anyone said to her in love. Including the words of the people she respected and trusted. She has surrounded herself with people who are hurt and bitter as she is.
I miss my father a lot too. Unfortunately my father has not felt like my father in many years. I remember as a little girl I looked up to my father a lot. What girl doesn't? We did things together and enjoyed each others company. We shared many common interests. Which is why I think I got along better with him than my other siblings. They always seemed to struggle to find a common bond.
It was hard to watch him after he got sick a few years ago. We were not here as we had moved to another state. He had been sick about a year before we came back to visit. There was concern that he wouldn't make it another year. The doctors could not find anything wrong with him, but he continued to get worse. His pain was so great that the doctors put him on an alternation of morphine and opium. It did not take long before he was addicted to these highly potent and addicting drugs. He was either on crutches or in a wheelchair, depending on how strong he felt, or wanted to appear.
It wasn't long after this that we came home to visit.
His behavior had changed, and I think that it was during this time that my father stopped being the father I had always known. I still adored my father. But he was not the same. He was a ghost in more ways than one. Because of his pain and drug addictions he was a skeleton. His skin had become somewhat transparent, he had lost so much weight and he was moody. I honestly think it was the moods that made it the hardest. He always seemed like he was angry, slamming cupboards or doors as he walked through them. Hitting things snapping at everyone. No one could do anything right for him and my father made some of the most hurtful comments during that time. Luckily over time and as he got stronger physically that got better...a little anyway.
My life feels so empty sometimes without my Mother and Father here sharing life events. I am sure I sound like I am mourning the loss of my parents. In a way I am.
They walk around as ghosts (or perhaps shadows would be a more appropriate term) of who they once were. They are here in life but not nearly as vibrant and solid as they should be. They seem transparent, opaque. They look like the parents I once knew, they speak like the parents I once knew. But they are not the parents I once knew. Yes they are older, but also emptier. In the past 8 months since my parents went their own way they have changed so much. Their decisions have had consequences and those consequences are taking their toll.
My memories are like ghosts of the past, taunting me. Reminding me that things will never be even remotely close to how they were. Sometimes I wish I could have them removed. We will never have a family camping trip again, never have our traditional "It's a Wonderful Life" movie party at their house a couple weeks before Christmas. Never have the whole family over Christmas eve for pizza and movies again. No more summer cookouts with my fathers charcoal like hamburgers.Even if we did any of that it would never be the same. All of our traditions that involve them simply cease to exist. I believe that God can restore my parents. Perhaps they will not be restored to each other but they will be restored to God. I am standing firmly on that. Once they are restored to God I believe they will be restored to me. I await anxiously for that time.
Thae
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Invaders in the Tower
My father replacement has contacted me and wishes to have interaction. I am sure it sounds like I despise this man but he is not too bad. My complaints really do not go beyond the fact that he moved into my family and took on the role of "father replacement" a month or less after my actual father left. He has twice tried to intercede on my mother's behalf and attempt to convince me not to be harsh on my mother as it is not her fault, or whatever reason he gives. And he has no evident relationship with Christ. Which I suppose all in all it is a pretty big problem I have. It is sad because under different circumstances I might be able to see him as a not as invasive role in my life.
The problem is not that I do not wish to see my mother in another relationship with anyone who is not my own father. I am not so disillusioned that I can not see the truth. I am not at all dwelling in some fairytale alternate dimension where my parents will reunite and live happily ever after. Regardless of the accusations that have been thrown my way by various family members.
I had a full expectation when my family shattered into bazillions of pieces that my parents would one day find other loves and remarry. I never thought however that they would be so selfish that they would attach themselves to the first opposite sex member of their own species that came along. Then proceed to move in with them. They go so far as to not understand why I have no desire to incorporate myself and my family into their sinful lifestyles. Nor do they seem to comprehend why I refuse to accept my replacement parentals as such.
One of my brothers says he does not care as long as our mother is happy. I find myself divided. One part of me wishes I could agree and not care as long as my mother is happy. The other part of myself sees the reality of the situation. My brother has always favored my mother, perhaps it is a natural part of him to favor his mother more than his father. Or perhaps it is a result of our fathers harsh understanding of love that pushed my brother to that feeling of favoritism of mother over father. Whichever the case may be the part of me that sees the reality of the situation at hand holds the title over the part of me that wishes my mother's happiness.
I find it to be disappointing. Is it wrong to have higher expectations of my parents who raised me? Alas, these are not the people I once knew as mother and father. They seem to have had their brains sucked out and replaced with oozy green muck that allows them to walk a life of sin without caring whom the hurt along their way.
Perhaps I exaggerate, but surely this is how I feel.
I can only pray that one day all four of them will see the err of their ways, repent, have that oozy green muck replaced with new minds and walk a different path. Until that day I can not accept them as replacement parentals or turn to my parents for guidance and prayer.
I love the encouragement I glean from the Book of Psalm I find it soothing to my heart and soul and I read it and feel the Lord speaking directly into me.
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
Psalm 28: 7,8
There is a song I remember singing as a child and any time I read or hear this verse i think of this song. Unfortunately I tried to find a video or mp3 of this song but was unsuccessful in my attempt. So here is the scripture:
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, [He is] my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Psalm 91:1,2
I remember it always made me want to move. I could never stand still for that song and even still i don't want to stand still when I sing it. All the music i found was too slow and the words weren't quite right. Be blessed and thank you for taking the time to read.
Thae
The problem is not that I do not wish to see my mother in another relationship with anyone who is not my own father. I am not so disillusioned that I can not see the truth. I am not at all dwelling in some fairytale alternate dimension where my parents will reunite and live happily ever after. Regardless of the accusations that have been thrown my way by various family members.
I had a full expectation when my family shattered into bazillions of pieces that my parents would one day find other loves and remarry. I never thought however that they would be so selfish that they would attach themselves to the first opposite sex member of their own species that came along. Then proceed to move in with them. They go so far as to not understand why I have no desire to incorporate myself and my family into their sinful lifestyles. Nor do they seem to comprehend why I refuse to accept my replacement parentals as such.
One of my brothers says he does not care as long as our mother is happy. I find myself divided. One part of me wishes I could agree and not care as long as my mother is happy. The other part of myself sees the reality of the situation. My brother has always favored my mother, perhaps it is a natural part of him to favor his mother more than his father. Or perhaps it is a result of our fathers harsh understanding of love that pushed my brother to that feeling of favoritism of mother over father. Whichever the case may be the part of me that sees the reality of the situation at hand holds the title over the part of me that wishes my mother's happiness.
I find it to be disappointing. Is it wrong to have higher expectations of my parents who raised me? Alas, these are not the people I once knew as mother and father. They seem to have had their brains sucked out and replaced with oozy green muck that allows them to walk a life of sin without caring whom the hurt along their way.
Perhaps I exaggerate, but surely this is how I feel.
I can only pray that one day all four of them will see the err of their ways, repent, have that oozy green muck replaced with new minds and walk a different path. Until that day I can not accept them as replacement parentals or turn to my parents for guidance and prayer.
I love the encouragement I glean from the Book of Psalm I find it soothing to my heart and soul and I read it and feel the Lord speaking directly into me.
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
Psalm 28: 7,8
There is a song I remember singing as a child and any time I read or hear this verse i think of this song. Unfortunately I tried to find a video or mp3 of this song but was unsuccessful in my attempt. So here is the scripture:
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, [He is] my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Psalm 91:1,2
I remember it always made me want to move. I could never stand still for that song and even still i don't want to stand still when I sing it. All the music i found was too slow and the words weren't quite right. Be blessed and thank you for taking the time to read.
Thae
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Locked in the Tower
While in reality I have the ability to come and go as I please, I feel very trapped within my own life. I have three beautiful children, and I would not trade them for anything. When it comes right down to it they are not the ones causing me to feel trapped. I am not stuck in the house because I do not want to drag three children around by myself.
It has been a great challenge to process what has happened/ is happening to my family. The reason for that is most likely because it is much simpler for me to just not think about the things that hurt me. So I hide. I isolate myself from the world. That way no one can ask me "how are you doing?". That simple question alone raises a whole torrent of emotions from deep within me that I had hidden away and as far as I was concerned no longer existed. No one can remind me that I can not fix everything. No one can tell me that everything will be OK in the end. None of that is comforting. It does not make me feel any better at all.
My parents expect me to just accept their decisions. They have no real care as to whether or not I approve or disapprove. It is not even the divorce that I am having a hard time dealing with. My problem comes from what happened within a month of my father leaving my mother.
My father left because he had been reunited with "the love of his youth" (*gag*) through facebook. Of course that opened a door that never should have been open. The past should remain in the past. Particularly when you are married and have moved on from the past. He lied to us for the first couple of months. He fed us tales of how he was not going to move away, he did not leave my mother because of this woman and he wanted to work things out with my mother. We all knew that he was telling lies, but I wanted to believe him so bad that I gave him the benefit of the doubt and chose to believe that he was telling the truth, my great mistake. He told me stories about how my mother had treated him throughout their almost thirty years of marriage. Whether or not it was truth? The world may never know.
My mother has always been one to like to be in control. She has her idea of how she wants things to be and well that is just the end of any conversation otherwise. Whether she realizes it or not she has a tendency to be manipulative and deceptive to get her way and what she wants. Then if her ploys do not work she will give a stare that would paralyze Satan himself. She says constantly that she will never be her mother. However in reality she is very much like her mother in so many ways. My poor siblings do not have a chance to develop their own opinions, and if they do they cannot freely share them. They would do anything not to hurt mother because as far as they know my father was the only one who did anything wrong. Both of my parents were at fault in the failing of their marriage regardless of whether or not they choose acknowledge their own fault. My mother has come up with details of my father's behavior in their marriage that I had never witnessed or she never told me in her ranting telephone calls.
My parents gave up. They made the decision that after a few months shy of their thirtieth anniversary, that they were weary of trying and they did not wish to fight for their marriage anymore. They have found other people that they wish to spend the rest of their lives with. My father up and moved away abandoning his children who are teenage and younger and desperately need the attention of their real father, not the replacement. Unfortunately neither of my parents care enough to sacrifice their own worldly desires for the needs of their children. My father did not even make sacrifice of time so that he could say goodbye to my children and I before he moved out of state. He called me at the very last minute and when I told him that it was my children's last day of school and we were busy until late that afternoon, he said "goodbye, I guess I will just see you when I visit in a couple of months.". I know that it is unlikely that he will actually take the time to come visit.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine told me that "It's OK to hurt because we were never meant to deal with divorce.". It's true. Marriage was created by God to be a lifetime commitment. Our minds and hearts were never meant to try and cope with divorce.
No matter how hard I try to lay all of the pain I have collected over the past eight months down at the feet of my Jesus I can not seem to be able to simply let go of it all. It appears so overwhelming no matter which direction I try to look at it. I feel that I have to be strong so that my own children will not question whether or not their mommy and daddy love each other. I am afraid to show emotion in front of them in fear that they will question why I am crying. So I bottle down my emotions and intend to deal with them later but sometimes later does not come and I am trapped with my emotions stuck inside, unable to deal with them appropriately not wanting to be around anyone in fear of my emotions exploding at an inopportune time or location. Thus I am left feeling Locked in a Tower...
Thae
It has been a great challenge to process what has happened/ is happening to my family. The reason for that is most likely because it is much simpler for me to just not think about the things that hurt me. So I hide. I isolate myself from the world. That way no one can ask me "how are you doing?". That simple question alone raises a whole torrent of emotions from deep within me that I had hidden away and as far as I was concerned no longer existed. No one can remind me that I can not fix everything. No one can tell me that everything will be OK in the end. None of that is comforting. It does not make me feel any better at all.
My parents expect me to just accept their decisions. They have no real care as to whether or not I approve or disapprove. It is not even the divorce that I am having a hard time dealing with. My problem comes from what happened within a month of my father leaving my mother.
My father left because he had been reunited with "the love of his youth" (*gag*) through facebook. Of course that opened a door that never should have been open. The past should remain in the past. Particularly when you are married and have moved on from the past. He lied to us for the first couple of months. He fed us tales of how he was not going to move away, he did not leave my mother because of this woman and he wanted to work things out with my mother. We all knew that he was telling lies, but I wanted to believe him so bad that I gave him the benefit of the doubt and chose to believe that he was telling the truth, my great mistake. He told me stories about how my mother had treated him throughout their almost thirty years of marriage. Whether or not it was truth? The world may never know.
My mother has always been one to like to be in control. She has her idea of how she wants things to be and well that is just the end of any conversation otherwise. Whether she realizes it or not she has a tendency to be manipulative and deceptive to get her way and what she wants. Then if her ploys do not work she will give a stare that would paralyze Satan himself. She says constantly that she will never be her mother. However in reality she is very much like her mother in so many ways. My poor siblings do not have a chance to develop their own opinions, and if they do they cannot freely share them. They would do anything not to hurt mother because as far as they know my father was the only one who did anything wrong. Both of my parents were at fault in the failing of their marriage regardless of whether or not they choose acknowledge their own fault. My mother has come up with details of my father's behavior in their marriage that I had never witnessed or she never told me in her ranting telephone calls.
My parents gave up. They made the decision that after a few months shy of their thirtieth anniversary, that they were weary of trying and they did not wish to fight for their marriage anymore. They have found other people that they wish to spend the rest of their lives with. My father up and moved away abandoning his children who are teenage and younger and desperately need the attention of their real father, not the replacement. Unfortunately neither of my parents care enough to sacrifice their own worldly desires for the needs of their children. My father did not even make sacrifice of time so that he could say goodbye to my children and I before he moved out of state. He called me at the very last minute and when I told him that it was my children's last day of school and we were busy until late that afternoon, he said "goodbye, I guess I will just see you when I visit in a couple of months.". I know that it is unlikely that he will actually take the time to come visit.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine told me that "It's OK to hurt because we were never meant to deal with divorce.". It's true. Marriage was created by God to be a lifetime commitment. Our minds and hearts were never meant to try and cope with divorce.
No matter how hard I try to lay all of the pain I have collected over the past eight months down at the feet of my Jesus I can not seem to be able to simply let go of it all. It appears so overwhelming no matter which direction I try to look at it. I feel that I have to be strong so that my own children will not question whether or not their mommy and daddy love each other. I am afraid to show emotion in front of them in fear that they will question why I am crying. So I bottle down my emotions and intend to deal with them later but sometimes later does not come and I am trapped with my emotions stuck inside, unable to deal with them appropriately not wanting to be around anyone in fear of my emotions exploding at an inopportune time or location. Thus I am left feeling Locked in a Tower...
Thae
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
The First Entry.
The first entry has always been something I dreaded with any other blog I have begun. For no other reason than I never quite knew how to begin. With this blog however my great debate is not how I will begin, but what will I write to describe the beginning. Please forgive any rambling or dreary feel this post may have. I wish to start from the general beginning.
I grew up in a household which was founded on the Word of God and Salvation through Jesus Christ. My parents raised me on a strong foundation. They taught me what I needed to know to stand firm in my faith, what a marriage should be. My mother taught me all I needed to know to be a successful wife and a good mother.
That said. I must add that I failed horribly. After a few years of marriage to my husband I found myself in a great depression and doing things I would have never thought I would do. Marriage wasn't as easy as i had expected it to be. My husband had issues I was unprepared to deal with. I had picked up smoking after having quit for about 5 years, I started drinking, my vocabulary inherited words that would make sailors blush in shame and worst of all I began having affairs and left my husband and children. It amazes me what can go wrong if you walk away from The Lord.
I am thankful to say that my God is a God of second chances and restoration. Through a very trying series of events, I found where I had taken my life had become very clear and I was ashamed. My husband took me back. I am very thankful for who my husband is. If it had not been for him standing in faith on the promises that God gave him while I was away we would not be here today. Stronger than before. Faithful to one another and to God. I remember watching my parents when I was growing up and thinking "Wow, they really love each other. I want to have this someday." I remember watching my friends one by one as they went through the drama of their parent's divorces, and being thankful that my parents loved each other and were still together. Imagine my surprise the day I found out that my parents were going to divorce each other. The other day we were driving through the city where I grew up. It was one of the most challenging moments I believe that I have experienced so far. We drove by places where we had many happy memories growing up, and it broke me up that my siblings and my children and I will never experience anything remotely close to that with my parents again.
I would say that my heart was broken, but unfortunately my heart has yet to heal. After only a couple months my parents had replaced each other with new "loves". They both say they are right with God, but I don't see evidence of that in their lives as they are both living with their new significant others. They accuse me of being blinded by my hurt. However both of them are doing everything they had taught me not to do.
I find myself questioning everything I was taught. I find myself having to sift through and pray over every standard that was set by my parents, every example of what a marriage should be that I had seen, every piece of advice that I had been given and all that I had observed.I desire greatly to do better for my own children. I feel that it is wrong to say "I will never be like my parents." because any time I have said "I will never...." I am doomed to whatever that "never" was. All that I can do is admit my lack of perfection and ask the Lord to show me how to avoid these circumstances and keep my eyes open. I strongly believe that as long as I fill my self up with God's word, I keep myself open to what the Lord says and not blow off the correction and input that those close or who are in leadership over me have to give there is no way I can fail.
I am currently in a place where if I stop fighting for my sanity I start slipping into an abyss of depression. Having already been there, it is not my desire to return. I lean on my Jesus and my husband for support. Relying on someone else for support is new to me. I believe that is one of the places where I failed before. In and of myself I can not handle any of this alone. It is only through God's grace, mercy and love that I am here now, that I am not failing and through Him I have the strength and courage to continue fighting.
Thae
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