The First Entry.

 The first entry has always been something I dreaded with any other blog I have begun. For no other reason than I never quite knew how to begin. With this blog however my great debate is not how I will begin, but what will I write to describe the beginning.  Please forgive any rambling or dreary feel this post may have. I wish to start from the general beginning.

  I grew up in a household which was founded on the Word of God and Salvation through Jesus Christ.  My parents raised me on a strong foundation. They taught me what I needed to know to stand firm in my faith, what a marriage should be. My mother taught me all I needed to know to be a successful wife and a good mother.

  That said. I must add that I failed horribly. After a few years of marriage to my husband I found myself in a great depression and doing things I would have never thought I would do.  Marriage wasn't as easy as i had expected it to be. My husband had issues I was unprepared to deal with. I had picked up smoking after having quit for about 5 years, I started drinking, my vocabulary inherited words that would make  sailors blush in shame and worst of all I began having affairs and left my husband and children. It amazes me what can go wrong if you walk away from The Lord.

  I am thankful to say that my God is a God of second chances and restoration. Through a very trying series of events, I found where I had taken my life had become very clear and I was ashamed.  My husband took me back. I am very thankful for who my husband is.  If it had not been for him standing in faith on the promises that God gave him while I was away we would not be here today. Stronger than before. Faithful to one another and to God.

 I remember watching my parents when I was growing up and thinking "Wow, they really love each other. I want to have this someday."  I remember watching my friends one by one as they went through the drama of their parent's divorces, and being thankful that my parents loved each other and were still together. Imagine my surprise the day I found out that my parents were going to divorce each other.                                                                                                                                      The other day we were driving through the city where I grew up. It was one of the most challenging moments I believe that I have experienced so far. We drove by places where we had many happy memories growing up, and it broke me up that my siblings and my children and I will never experience anything remotely close to that with my parents again.

  I would say that my heart was broken, but unfortunately my heart has yet to heal. After only a couple months my parents had replaced each other with new "loves". They both say they are right with God, but I don't see evidence of that in their lives as they are both living with their new significant others. They accuse me of being blinded by my hurt. However both of them are doing everything they had taught me not to do.

  I find myself questioning everything I was taught. I find myself having to sift through and pray over every standard that was set by my parents, every example of what a marriage should be that I had seen, every piece of advice that I had been given and all that I had observed.
 I desire greatly to  do better for my own children. I  feel that  it is wrong to say "I will never be like my parents." because any time I have said "I will never...." I am doomed to whatever that "never" was. All that I can do is admit my lack of perfection and ask the Lord to show me how to avoid these circumstances and keep my eyes open. I strongly believe that as long as I  fill my self up with God's word, I keep myself open to what the Lord says and not blow off the correction and input that those close or who are in leadership over me have to give there is no way I can fail.
    I am currently in a place where if I stop fighting for my sanity I start slipping into an abyss of depression. Having already been there, it is not my desire to return.  I lean on my Jesus and my husband for support. Relying on someone else for support is new to me. I believe that is one of the places where I failed before. In and of myself I can not handle any of this alone. It is only through God's grace, mercy and love that I am here now, that I am not failing and through Him I have the strength and courage to continue fighting.

Thae