Rage

  I am not generally one prone to raging. However, when the thought of my father and his having relocated himself across the country rage is definitely pretty close to what I am feeling at this moment.  Sometimes I feel like I have my emotions under some sense of control.  When it comes to what my family has gone through this year. Most of the time I feel contentment again. Then I feel like my heart is broken and I am enraged all over again.  Particularly after I spent an hour or so comforting my 8 year old daughter after she burst into heart wrenching tears late last night because she missed her grandfather.  If this is how his granddaughter feels, I can not imagine what my siblings are feeling. Oh wait, I can because I feel it too. 
   The fact that my father is supposed to be coming into town sometime this week doesn't help my feelings any.  I have been going back and forth about whether or not I was going to see him while he is here.  I love my father very much. But the deception and abandoning his family thing hurts too much. Then there is the question as to how it would effect my kids to see him. They are already randomly bursting into tears because they miss him. How much worse would it be if they saw him and then he left again? The thought of it just makes me cry. Darn you emotions for allowing me to feel.
  It is possible that I will not have to worry about seeing him as he has yet to tell me himself that he will be in town. It is likely he will not want to see me at all. Which will hurt but will make things easier in the long run. I do not wish to push my feelings down and bottle them up as I am so often prone to doing. I prefer to avoid confrontation where I can, I prefer to avoid my children getting hurt, and I prefer to avoid myself getting hurt. It is impossible to avoid everything all the time. That would be unrealistic to think that I could avoid all of the above. I would like to protect my children as I can.
  I guess I will have to take things as they come. Ultimately that is what I have been doing from the beginning. For me there is no making a plan and sticking to that plan. I am too emotional. The plan never remains the plan. The plan is ever changing. So am I and what I am feeling.  I do not hate my life in any way shape or form. I do hate this situation with an ever growing passionate rage. 
  I will not allow myself to say I hate my father. I do not. I love him very much. I do however hate the decisions he has made. I hate the situation he has put us through. I hate that he has been deceptive. I have managed to refrain from allowing bitterness and anger grow in my heart,  if I were to say that I hate my father that would plant a seed. That seed would grow and entangle my heart in thorns of bitterness and resentment. My heart would be hardened and all that I have fought against allowing into my heart will overrun it and control it.  Then, I would be no better off than either of my parents.

                                                         Thae